


love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself

by trainerlyra



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Canon Compliant, Conversations, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Light Angst, Light Romance, Mutual Pining, Not Beta Read, Pre-Relationship, Working Out My Feelings Through Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24297373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trainerlyra/pseuds/trainerlyra
Summary: Futaba was used to a lot of things. She was used to the guilt she'd lived with for so long, the all encompassing want to be erased from this world; to the whirring of her computer fans and the way her bed felt after she'd slept in it for far too long.Futaba was not, however, used to… any ofthis.Or: Ren and Futaba talk about getting better, and what that might look like.
Relationships: Amamiya Ren/Sakura Futaba, Persona 5 Protagonist/Sakura Futaba
Comments: 14
Kudos: 46





	love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write ShuTaba by themselves for quite awhile now, and I'm glad I finally got around to it. This piece is actually pretty personal to me, since I don't think there's any ship that reminds me of my own relationship as much as they do! I relate to Futaba to an embarrassing degree, and I really love the dynamic she has with Ren. Anyways, I really hope y'all enjoy this! This takes place in between the Rank 8 and 9 conversations.
> 
> EDIT: @randomwriter57 was kind enough to draw a scene from this fic!!!! [please take a look,](https://twitter.com/randomwriter57/status/1338155314256949249?s=20) they did an absolutely amazing job!!! thank you again!!!!

The last time she had seen Ren, she had, incredibly, only managed to embarrass herself at the very end of their conversation. The promise list had become something special to her, and in trying to replicate the way she felt when she was a little kid, Futaba had asked Ren to pat her on the head.

Instead of the happy, excited feeling she used to get from when her mother did it, it was _completely_ different. The level of intimacy Futaba felt from Ren gently patting the top of her head, his fingers finding their way into her hair with every touch… it was something she wasn't ready for and wasn't at all prepared to deal with. It was no wonder she was sped out of Leblanc's attic at sonic speed.

But now, not even a day later, Futaba found herself aggravated with her actions. And mostly, honestly, with herself. _That_ was a conversation for another day, she supposed - one that she wasn't looking forward to having with herself. Ignoring it for now, she decided that she would apologize to Ren, and hang out with him _normally_.

Eventually, she would get her feelings under control and talk to him about them properly. Eventually, she would be comfortable enough to at least ask him about her feelings; whether they were really of love (she was sure that they were) and whether or not he felt the same (she was sure that he didn't) and would deal with that bridge when she crossed it. Today, however, she would be a normal friend and invite her friend into her own room to hang out. She'd been over into his attic room a multitude of times now, and as charming as it was, there weren't many comfortable places to sit and she always felt like Sojiro was watching her through the floor, somehow.

Her room might make her feel more comfortable. More confident, maybe, even. Usually, hanging out in her room only made her think on her faults and her flaws and it used to be what she thought of as a prison, but hey, Futaba was getting better. She was working to change that. And even if it wasn't easy for her, maybe he'd be happy that she was making at least… some sort of progress?

Nodding to herself, Futaba forced herself up out of her computer chair and stretched a bit. A glance at her phone told her it was coming up on lunch time, which meant she had plenty of time to shower and throw on something comfortable. Typing out a quick message to Ren asking if he was available that day, she resolved to do her best today.

Ren deserved nothing less, anyways.

* * *

Playing games was easy. Watching anime was also easy. Today, however, none of those things seemed to stick. She'd watched an episode of Featherman with Ren, which had accomplished absolutely nothing in easing her discomfort. She'd been so off her game during their rounds of Smash that even Ren had to stop and ask if she was okay.

She wasn't, but that was besides the point.

Futaba was used to a lot of things. She was used to the guilt she'd lived with for so long, the all encompassing want to be erased from this world; to the whirring of her computer fans and the way her bed felt after she'd slept in it for far too long.

Futaba was not, however, used to… any of _this_. Any of _Ren_. She was certainly not used to the constant _want_ to be around him. The pang when she left for the day, or when he couldn't respond to her right away because he was stuck in class. Loneliness was something she had worn like a badge of honor for years, but it had never hurt quite the way it did when she was finished hanging out with Ren for the day, or on the days when he was busy and couldn't make time for her.

She was especially not used to the heat that filled her cheeks when he smiled at her in that boyish way of his, or the way her heart sped up when he was the one to reach out to her first on any given day.

But more so than that, she wasn't used to the way he made her want to try.

For so many years, Futaba had completely given up her lease on life. Her mother had been ripped out from under her, right in front of her eyes, and she'd been told that it was because of her. Immediately after, she was treated as no less than a mutt in a cage, until Sojiro had finally taken over custody. By the time she had changed her name from Isshiki to Sakura, she'd understood that she had no reason to keep going. There was nothing left for her in this world, and pretending there was would only elongate her pain.

Working on herself was something that she hadn't bothered with for that reason. Suddenly, though, she was forced to wake up and as overwhelming as everything seemed, she was allowed to _breathe_. Her lungs were filled with air and she was pushed into the sunlight, lead out of her tomb by the strength of Ren Amamiya.

He had not only held her hand the whole way there, but had made sure the door would never shut again. There was no running away anymore, and Futaba herself found that she didn't want to, anyways. She wanted to get better. She wanted to pay Ren back for what he'd done for her. She wanted to become someone he would be proud of.

Explaining this to him, however, was a completely different story. Not five minutes ago, he'd asked her to share what was on her mind as he hug out casually on her bed, staring up at the glowing star stickers on her ceiling.

And here she was, getting lost in thought like the socially inept loser she was. Futaba sighed, trying to reprogram her thoughts. "Have you ever felt lost, Ren?" She asked, somewhat cryptically from her computer chair. "Like you're in a dungeon on hard mode so the mini map is gone, and you're too stubborn to look up a tutorial."

Ren hummed noncommittally from her bed. "Sure," he said. "I think everyone has felt like that before." He said it with such confidence that Futaba couldn't help but take him at his word, even if she had no idea if that was true or not.

"I can see the goals on my screen, but I can't figure out how to accomplish them," Futaba said, sighing to herself. "I know what I _want_ to be, _who_ I want to be, but I've got no idea how to get there by myself."

It was something she'd been frustrated about since she ran out on him the other day after he'd pat her head. Futaba knew she was relying on Ren too much. Part of her goals was that she wanted to be okay without him around, but at the rate things were going, she never wanted to leave his side. Her feelings of gratitude had transformed without her even knowing, with no way of getting around them.

She was in love with Ren. But Futaba firmly believed she did not deserve that right, or any of the kindness he gave her. How could she, when she was selfishly using him as a reason to improve herself? So much of her strived for becoming normal, getting better just so she wouldn't feel bad about standing next to him. It wasn't fair to Ren at all.

"You don't have to do everything alone, you know," Ren told her, and Futaba couldn't help but snort.

"I don't do _anything_ alone," she argued. "That's the problem."

Ren pushed himself up on her bed, sitting to face her now. He was comically large in her small space; legs dangling off the bed at an awkward angle. He didn't look uncomfortable, at least. Futaba wasn't sure why that mattered.

He stayed silent for a moment, before smiling gently at her. "That's not true at all." Like usual, his tone left no room for disagreement, no matter how much Futaba felt he was wrong. "For years you kept everything to yourself. I think it's fine if you rely on others for a little while after all that." It was supposed to be comforting, but Futaba cringed at his words.

She didn't _want_ to rely on Ren for everything. She wanted… she wanted to stand as his equal. To have a chance to earn her potential place at his side. She didn't want to be his little sister, or juts another friend that he'd pulled out of the darkness of their own heart.

None of her problems should be anyone else's to deal with, and yet she constantly put them on other people. Especially Ren. She was like a child, grateful for a savior. It made her want to cry.

"Futaba," Ren said, forcing her to blink back tears and look at him when she didn't reply. "There is nothing wrong with asking for help."

Sometimes, when he looked at her like that - so softly, with none of the jagged edges of Joker - Futaba could almost believe that she was worth something in his eyes. She could almost get her hopes up that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same, and she wasn't just a petulant child in his eyes.

And maybe there was some truth to what he had said. Despite the fact that she'd needed her heart to be stolen by the Phantom Thieves, she had done the reaching out. _She_ had been the one to formulate the plan, laying down all the necessities to get the group on her case. And in the end, _they_ had decided to save her.

Now that she was apart of that very same group, Futaba knew that everything had to be a unanimous decision. If even just one of the Phantom Thieves hadn't wanted to help her, that would've been it. Knowing that was honestly a small, but very important, comfort on her harder days.

When she realized she still hadn't responded, Futaba's cheeks warmed again. Since she'd realized her stupid crush, she always felt like such a fool in front of Ren. "I know," she said after a moment, because logically, she _did_ know. She felt that way whenever she thought that Ren or any of the other Phantom Thieves might be hiding from their own problems, or trying to take them on by themselves. "But I wish I was the kind of person who didn't need help anymore."

In so many other aspects of her life, she didn't. She'd learned her way around computers at an early age, completely fascinated by what she could do with them. Before she even knew it, she was hacking relatively difficult places and things; using her newfound strength for causes she believed in until she got bored with the whole thing.

The fact that she struggled with taking the train in comparison felt ridiculous, even though she was the one living it.

Ren's hand went to rub the back of his neck, and he sighed softly. Futaba felt the nearly uncontrollable urge to spin around to go back to staring at her computer screen. Maybe she hadn't been ready to hang out with him again after all.

But she didn't. She kept her gaze trained on him best she could, even though it was difficult. "I look up to you, you know," he said casually, as if he were discussing the weather. "You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I think you're amazing." His words _sounded_ sincere, but Futaba could hardly believe him. Something on her face must've given that away, because his smile grew. "I honestly wished I had half as much of the courage you have."

"You can't mean that," Futaba replied, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she could reach out and pull them back in. "You can't. I'm just-" She cut herself off with a laugh, shaking her head. "I'm so _weak_ ," she finally settled on, hating the way her voice broke on the word. "I couldn't even awaken Necronomicon without you going into my Palace. I _developed_ a Palace, even! Compared to you, I'm just…" she trailed off, not wanting that dam to break any further.

When she'd awoken Necronomicon, Futaba had wanted that to be a turning point in her life so badly. And it was, in some ways - she'd been doing better. She'd been going out and tackling her social anxiety as best she could; trying hard to make up for lost time. The memories she had left of her mother were no longer tainted, and no longer did Futaba think she was responsible for her mother's death. On the contrary, she was determined to track down whoever killed her and defeat them herself, if she had to.

Unfortunately, that didn't mean everything just… vanished. This wasn't a video game. This was real life. Your stats bumping up didn't mean that everything you had experienced flew out the window and you were suddenly reborn, good as new. You couldn't just class change at will. Futaba was starting to learn that the hard way.

No matter how much better she was getting, things still ate at her. In Ren's company, in trying to be worthy of his time and attention - and maybe something more in the future - Futaba had put all of her faults into the spotlight of her mind.

Next to Ren, she was pathetic and vulnerable. This was someone who had their entire life uprooted for trying to help someone, and still managed to come out the other side headstrong in their belief of justice. Not once did Futaba ever see the leader of the Phantom Thieves question himself or his morals.

To hear him say that somehow, despite all the evidence pointing to the contrary, he looked up to _her_ sounded almost purposefully fake.

Ren, however, was having none of it. His eyebrows knitted together, and he moved himself so he was practically falling off of her bed to be closer to her. "The fact that you reached out to us in your darkest moment proves that you are so, so brave," Ren said slowly, as if he was trying to drill each and every word into her skull. Just as slowly, he reached a hand out to grasp one of her own. Her hands felt so small and fragile in his. "Your weakness is apart of what makes you so brave. I wasn't lying to you when I said that I admired you. I really…"

She leaned in, hanging on to hear what he would finish that with.

By default, Ren was a private person. In all honesty, this was probably the most she'd heard him speak in one sitting. More so than that, maybe due to his stunt back in his hometown or his role as Joker, Ren nearly always wore a neutral expression - unless, of course, he was showing off.

It wasn't as if he didn't have emotions. Anyone with eyes would be able to tell when he was happy or upset, so long as they were paying attention. All of the Phantom Thieves had learned his tells, or how to coerce smiles or frowns out of him.

Even with all that in mind, Futaba didn't think she'd ever seen Ren _blush_. She was sure she was mirroring the redness in her own cheeks, likely doubly so.

"You really what?" Futaba asked, amazed that she didn't trip over her own words. Her hand was sweaty in Ren's, and her heart was hammering in her chest loud enough that she was sure he could hear it. She had just come to terms with the fact that she was in love with him, like, two days ago. This was too much for her heart.

Ren gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "I really think you're the strongest person I know, Futaba," he told her, and somehow, she knew that wasn't at all what he was originally going to say. "It's okay to feel weak sometimes. That's the reason you keep working so hard, right?" At her hesitant nod, he continued. "There's an NPC somewhere that'll give you the mini map item," he promised her. "And then the rest will be easy."

She wondered about that. Part of her did feel lost - she had no idea what her end goal looked like, only vague thoughts, and she had no idea how to get there, or if getting there for her selfish reasons was even worth getting there at all.

Maybe, though, relying on Ren sometimes wasn't… a bad thing. Maybe it was okay, once in awhile, if he was so insistent upon it. He was not the type to lie, so Futaba knew he was being completely serious about this. It was as reassuring as it was confusing to her; she'd been so set in stone about being able to do these things on her own for so long it almost felt uncomfortable to agree to relinquish control.

"But what if you get sick of me?" She asked, looking anywhere but at Ren's eyes. "I still have so much work to do."

And boy, did Futaba know it. Sure, she could go outside and even go into certain stores now, but taking the train by herself was still incredibly difficult. The idea of having to go to school next year, to take entrance exams and go into class _every day_ sounded unreal. It felt like such an impossible goal to reach, but Futaba wanted to get there.

The real world was a terrifying place, but if she had the strength to stand with the Phantom Thieves, maybe she'd have the strength to do that, too.

Whatever answer she was expecting, she wasn't sure. It certainly wasn't Ren's smile growing wider, though. "I can't promise I won't ever get frustrated," Ren told her honestly. "Or that I won't get discouraged. But I can promise you that I will do my best to be there for you when you need me, and I will always be proud of your progress."

Futaba's lips parted in surprise. That was probably the most deeply honest thing anyone had ever told her. The only thing that might've come close was talking to _herself_ , her subconscious, when she'd awakened to Necronomicon in the inside of her own cognitive world. Without thinking, she squeezed Ren's hands back, finding comfort in his grip on her.

Sometimes she felt that he was an anchor; keeping her feet locked into reality even when all she wanted was to fly away. Earlier that day, she had been denouncing how selfish she was for using him as an excuse to better herself, but now she was wondering if that was a selfish thing at all.

Would it be so terrible if some of her motivation was based around another person? She wanted to improve herself for her own benefit as well, of course, but Futaba wasn't confident in her ability to love herself that deeply yet. She was still coming to grips with the fact that she had not been the one to kill her mother, and that her mother _had_ loved her with all her heart. Maybe she didn't need to accept all of her faults so easily yet.

"Okay," Futaba said, nodding once. The weight of reality was a bit crushing, but not as bad as it once was. The weight of her guilt was, at the very least, dissolving around her. "I'll keep on doing my best, Ren." She gave him a little smile of her own, and she swore the tips of his ears were turning a faint pink at the sight.

Wishful thinking, probably.

Ren let go of her hands slowly, moving himself back into a comfortable position on the bed. He was still far, far too large for her small room, but Futaba was content to stay in for the night instead of doing anything else.

She swiveled around, unlocking her computer once more, putting some pep into her movements. "Wanna order something or should we pester Sojiro for curry?" A glance at her taskbar showed her that it was almost time for him to start packing up at Leblanc, anyways.

Ren pretended to think about it. "You think Sojiro would mind bringing some curry home?" He asked, as if Sojiro didn't cook the curry any chance he got.

"Nah," Futaba shook her head, grabbing her phone from her desk. "Think of something you wanna watch while I text him our orders!"

* * *

After she'd walked Ren back to Leblanc - with the excuse of wanting to say hi to Morgana - Futaba found herself wanting to stay out a little longer. Sojiro wouldn't be happy with her considering how long it'd taken for him to agree to letting her walk back on her own, but she would deal with that later.

It had been so long since she was able to walk around on her own, without any sort of fear. The idea of walking around with no reason was still so foreign to her in a lot of ways. Yongen Jaya, with its small walkways and older population, was probably a good place to start. She was familiar with the streets, at the very least, and soon enough found her just going to different areas and taking them in.

The final item on her promise list hung heavy over her head. The idea of having to be okay without Ren around was daunting, to say the least. Being able to walk around Yongen Jaya on her own was a good start, but part of Futaba knew she was only able to _because_ she had just gotten confirmation that Ren supported her no matter what.

Instead of trying too hard to think about that, however, she decided to count. Count the cats she passed, count the number of bikes she saw, count how many people were still out and about this late into the evening. Numbers were simple, and numbers couldn't lie, and Futaba found it was calming her uncertain heart better than she'd expected it to.

There was so much of the world she had yet to see. So many people, so many things she had missed out on because she was too scared to admit that she and her mother had been used. She'd lived in Yongen Jaya for awhile now, and even before then had come around often to visit Sojiro when he'd first opened up Cafe Leblanc, but there were so many things she was only noticing for the first time. She'd never realized how many cats were around the streets. She'd never noticed how many elderly people enjoyed sitting outside, late into the night with their radios playing. She'd never realized how much bustle there still was for a residential area kind of out of the way of everything else.

It was… nice, Futaba thought, to finally start to understand. To finally _see_ and experience. When she finally got back home and crawled into the safety of her bed, Futaba was starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, she wanted to be better for herself, too.

Even if she needed Ren's strength to get there, maybe she would one day develop the strength on her own. The Phantom Thieves never did anything alone - they were always together, covering each other's weaknesses and relying on the others to make sure they made it through each fight unscathed. Nobody ever questioned it, or doubted anyone's strength.

Maybe Ren was right, Futaba thought, as she closed her eyes to finally drift off to sleep. Maybe it _was_ okay to ask for help sometimes. Maybe it didn't really mean she was weak - just understanding her own faults until she could patch them up.

* * *

When she woke up the next morning, Futaba was decided. She would tell Ren how she felt. Even if he rejected her, even if he only saw her as a friend, well, that would be okay too. But her feelings were her own, and she wanted to make them known. If Ren didn't think she was a burden, then maybe she really was fit to stand by his side at his equal.

At around lunch time, she shot out a text, asking him if he were free that afternoon. With luck, he'd reply, and she'd be able to talk about her feelings without either crying or messing up her words.

Futaba smiled to herself, putting her phone down on her desk before doing her normal sweep online for any potential targets or scrubbing of info that needed to be done. The idea of confessing was terrifying, and it was a good way to keep her mind from spiraling until he replied to her. Thinking about it too much would only stand to make her more nervous, and she was determined to get this right. Even if he didn't feel the same, at least she would know.

Her phone beeped, startling her out of her routine. It was from Ren - a simple agreement to come straight to see her after school got out. Futaba breathed slowly, already feeling her face grow warm and her heart rate speed up.

She could do this. She definitely couldn't back out now. Thinking back to her thoughts from last night, Futaba did her best to ground her racing mind. If Ren believed in her, she would believe in herself, too.

She could do this.

**Author's Note:**

> this was honestly a very cathartic write, aha. i'm really glad i was able to get these feelings out, and i hope you enjoyed reading :') i'm sure i'll be writing more shutaba (solo or with akesumi pff) soon enough!


End file.
